Three Couples, Three Years in Silence

Awakening Journal interviewed three couples in different stages of life, who entered the traditional Tibetan Buddhist practice of three-year retreat in December 2010. For three years, 3 months and 3 days, each couple will live in silence within small cabins in remote locations throughout the U.S. What could this epic inner journey be like for two people who have loved and lived together in the everyday world? These three courageous couples shared their insights about what it means to undertake such an endeavor not only as husband and wife but also as spiritual partners.

The dynamic duos include: Tammy Adrian and Morgan Williams, Susan and David Stumpf, and Jessica Kung and Stéphane Dreyfus.

Not too long ago, living a deeply spiritual life meant moving away from relationships by going off alone to the desert, the mountaintop or the monastery. Now people are living a deeply spiritual path with partners. What in your experience is the reason for this shift? Why did you choose to go on this profound journey into yourself with someone else? How does the spiritual path with a partner differ from the old paradigm of spiritual growth as a solitary journey? 

Tammy and Morgan: Our culture has aced how to be independent, and now, we need to learn how to be together.

Susan and David: Perhaps the importance of your life partner sharing a similar philosophy in spiritual matters has led to this change that you are seeing.

Stephane and JessicaJessica and Stephane: We personally feel that it’s very important for everyone to understand that a spiritual partnership is not in any way in opposition to the solitary life you mention above. In fact, anyone who hasn’t developed within themselves the ability to live a fulfilling solitary life and tries to undertake a partnership for spiritual purposes will suffer and possibly fail in the endeavor.

If I (Stephane) were to speak of any kind of shift, it would be that I finally came to a point in my practice where I was absolutely content with being alone. But I knew that I needed my Guru to be closer to me than I was experiencing at the time. This is the reason why I decided to create the causes for the type of relationship I am in currently. I needed someone else, someone who would be the highest spiritual object I could imagine, to be around me all the time.

It isn’t quite right to say that a life with a spiritual partner is different, from the point of view of paradigms, than the life of a monastic. Certainly, it’s more difficult in some ways and easier in others. When mental afflictions come up, we’re in infinitely more danger of doing something karmically damaging. We have to fight our own bad habits with a greater resolve than we can sometimes muster. On the other hand, when things are not going well, or even if things are going well but there is a lot of stuff to get done, having a partner, someone with a similar type of mindset and life goals, makes getting through it all much easier, even blissful.
 
Have you done retreat in a partnership before, and if so, how does it differ from doing retreat on your own?

Tammy and Morgan: All retreat is beneficial. Like the peacock’s poison – what doesn’t kill you will transform you.

Susan and David: We’ve done our daily practice together but we have not done retreat together before this.

Jessica and Stephane: We have done one 10-day silent retreat together. The main difference was the ease with which preparations were undertaken and completed. Having two people to work on the logistics of the retreat was a welcome change to the usually hectic and stressful practice of preparing for retreat. A more subtle difference would be the amazing shift in focus and intensity that meditating with a partner brings. To be working in a synchronous way with someone on such subtle practices, such as meditation and yoga, is wonderful.

In what ways do you think being in silent retreat for 3 years with someone else will make it harder and easier? What do you think are some of the challenges and benefits?

Tammy and MorganTammy and Morgan: You have to consider your partner in everything you do in retreat; alone in retreat you only have to consider yourself.

Susan and David: It will be harder with someone to make sure I (David) am quiet and do my practice with progress.  It will be easier with someone to make sure I am quiet and help me progress in my practice. In terms of challenges and benefits, there will be a lack of schedule flexibility since two people’s needs must be met. Compromise will be necessary. But after 34 years of marriage this should not be a huge challenge. Susan is usually right!

Jessica and Stephane: Preparing for this together has already made things easier. Two people working to raise funds and coordinate building a cabin is much better than one. One challenge in the beginning of the retreat will be the urge to speak. It will be hard to let go of the idea that I can get what I want by saying words to someone else. It will be challenging but we look forward to the practice of having to put our individual understanding of karma and emptiness to work for every interaction.
 
Do you regard your relationship with each other and your spiritual path as existing on the same level or do you prioritize them? If one of you wants to or needs to leave retreat but your partner wants to stay, what have you planned to do in that situation?

Tammy and Morgan: Our relationship and our spiritual paths are the same. One will follow the other.

Susan and David: They are one. We have been each other’s best friend for the length of our marriage. While we have individual interests, we have managed them in such a way to benefit us both. We haven’t thought much about exiting retreat early. We take the idea of three-year retreat as a vow, a serious vow that we cannot easily break. Barring a serious medical problem, we feel that we will work through the issue of wanting to leave early.

Jessica and Stephane: Our relationship is the spiritual practice. At this point, since both of us want very much to be in retreat, we have not discussed the unexpected eventuality of one of us wanting to leave the retreat early.

Do you think going on retreat with another person should only be done by couples or do you think close friends or people with a shared goal could succeed together as well?

Tammy and Morgan: Yes, anyone can be the partner.

Susan and David: Ask us after three-year retreat. We have insufficient experience at this point.

Jessica and Stephane: It’s possible that a like-minded pair could succeed. Just friends might not work. Super friends…maybe. People just need to think about the relationship stresses they go through on a daily basis. If they can’t handle the usual difficulties of their acquaintance/friend/partner, then they should definitely not be doing an extended retreat with that person.

What does it mean to you to be a spiritual partner?

Tammy and Morgan: I am a Wish-Fulfilling Jewel. I am a mirror for my partner.

Susan and David: To share and support each other’s progress at each person’s own pace. To share and support each other’s work for his or her Lama or Lamas.

Jessica and Stephane: To have met the outer expression of the self that will speed one to the goal of bringing bliss to everybody. Everything outside of this seems to be practice and décor.
 
What does it mean to be committed to the spiritual advancement of another person with whom you share an intimate relationship? Please tell us how this has changed you and your path? How do you feel this has deepened your path and/or made it more challenging?

Tammy and Morgan: It is our duty.

David and SusanSusan and David: It’s about sharing and supporting the other’s spiritual pursuits. It changed our lives after Susan’s parents died. She was searching for answers concerning her parent’s death and found them within Buddhism. I saw how it brought her peace and it brought me a similar peace concerning their death. To share our progress, our lack of progress or our frustration with progress, without concern for being judged, has been simply wonderful.

Jessica and Stephane: We can’t move enlightened beings further along their path. They are the goal we seek. Knowing this has changed the way I (Stephane) view all my past relationships and the way I expect my current relationship to run. Basically it’s all about sacrificing the self to the happiness of the other, knowing this will create infinite happiness for all beings in the future. My self-cherishing rebelled at the early stages of the path, when I barely practiced at all. Now, to be in the midst of an all-day practice maelstrom, means to be in an almost constant state of putting out (mental) fires. It can only be done by changing our thoughts and habits. It’s tough but rewarding work.
 
How would one know that spiritual partnership or doing retreat with someone else would be a better choice for them?

Tammy and Morgan: You would know by doing the opposite of your natural inclinations.

Susan and David: It is not a choice made lightly or at the last moment. Compatibility with someone else, especially in the close quarters of a retreat cabin, takes time to assess. After you take that time, the decision should be taken as a vow to be upheld, not a decision that can be dismissed in times of disagreement. I considered staying out of this retreat, serving Susan and then doing my retreat in the same cabin after she was finished. But students begged me to go in with her. I eventually realized that was the most powerful thing I could do in this life.

Jessica and Stephane: A person would know the better choice for them when his or her understanding of karma and emptiness makes it easier to see their partner as the Lama. If one has more than a little difficulty in doing this, a spiritual partnership would not be recommended.

Tammy and Morgan: married in 2009, the two retired schoolteachers are conducting their three-year retreat in the heart of northern Kentucky. They entered the retreat to increase their meditative concentration and habituate all that they’ve learned in their Tibetan Buddhism education, which is equivalent to 20 years of monastic study. They say, “In our silence, we will practice and pray for peace and great happiness in the world.” To learn more or to donate to their retreat, please visit http://adrianretreat.wordpress.com

Susan and David: married in 1976, David ended his job as a Research Scientist and Susan, as a Physician Assistant, after 20 years to complete their advanced studies of Tibetan Buddhism on the campus of Diamond Mountain. Their retreat cabin is located in the highlands of Arizona’s Chiricahua Mountains. They say, “We have come to see that there is no other way to truly help the people we love. We have tried giving money, giving food, giving emotional support...but it all falls short. They, or someone else are still in great need. We realize that it’s our own mind that creates all the discontent that we see around us. We can change it all by changing our own mind.” To learn more or to donate to their retreat, please visit http://retreat4peace.org/blogs/susan-and-david-stumpf

Jessica and Stephane: married in 2010, they’re also conducting their three-year retreat in the high desert of southern Arizona. Stephane, a former Hollywood film editor, and Jessica, a visual artist and Yoga teacher, had this to say about not speaking in long-term retreat. "Even the most mundane tasks take on a significant meaning. In silence, you communicate in so many more ways than you normally would. You realize how many unnecessary words you use. You discover how most of your troubles are truly not that urgent.” To learn more or to donate to their retreat, please visit http://retreat4peace.org/blogs/st%C3%A9phane-dreyfus-and-jessica-kung