Take An Inside Journey into a Three-Year Retreat – Part III

By Lama Ani Thubten Pelma

In 2003, Lama Pelma completed a silent three-year retreat in the high desert of Arizona. In December 2010, she entered her second three-year retreat near Bowie, Arizona. We’re happy to present Part III, the conclusion of this three-part series that she composed about preparing for her second brave journey into silence.

We have to know our potential, how much we can push ourselves and when to relax. The process of saying a holy mantra all the time has massive good effects on our bodies, but sometimes our winds can become affected. I remember at the very end of my last retreat, I felt like I was wearing a very tight helmet on my head and my Lama told me it was a form of lung. During the entire retreat, I was fine. I could sense when my heart would feel a little tight and I would slow down on my mantras for a few days until it got back to normal. Then I would get back on the bandwagon of trying to reach my daily mantra goals. We can actually calculate how many mantras we are supposed to say for each session. By the end of the month, my total count would be 110,000 mantras.

If we have never lived alone, it might be difficult for us to do a three-year retreat by ourselves. When I look at the Retreat Valley at Diamond Mountain, where I will be doing my retreat, I think that no one in the valley will ever feel alone because it already feels like a little community. We can see the cabins of one another in the distance. Just knowing that they are present really makes a big difference. There are some couples who are going into retreat with separate meditation rooms. This is really smart because some days when we get hit with a ton of intense emotions, it might be good not to disturb our partner who might be having a very calm day. Personally, I lived alone for about 13 years before I became ordained. Being with another person during retreat would be like having a thorn in my foot. Each time I walk I would feel it sticking me. This is my point of view right this minute and I know that things can always change. We need to come to grips with whether or not we want to do a retreat without a partner. Making this decision requires deep thought about who we are and what we are trying to accomplish.

The End of the Journey
When I came out of my last retreat, I felt a little lonely for some strange reason. I had gone through this experience with four other people and for the first month out they were in different parts of the U.S. Then we toured the entire country and parts of Canada. It felt like I went to the moon and there was no one I could share this experience with who would understand. People often had a blank stare on their faces when they would ask me questions. I would try to tell them what I was experiencing but they couldn’t really relate to me.

There is definitely a readjustment period. For me, it took a little longer than I anticipated. I had to learn to get dressed daily and coordinate colors. When I went to Wilcox, Arizona with Venerable Elly to open a bank account, she had to answer almost all the questions. When I was asked, “What is your address and phone number?” I just looked to her to answer. In my mind, I said, “phone number, phone number” and drew a blank. I made myself design web pages because I was scared that my technical abilities were not coming back fast enough. When we don’t do things like use a computer or listen to the radio, and we do a nice retreat instead, our mind becomes so one-pointed on meditation that all these other functions seem to take a nap. Then we need to wake them up again.

This retreat it will be a lot different. There will be a large number of people entering the “journey to the unknown.” After we come out and start to readjust, there will be many more people to keep bonding with during that time.

How do we keep the magic?
How do we keep the magic, the peace that we have gained from our three-year retreat when we re-enter the mandala outside of retreat? We should have some sort of plan in mind. I remember when I came out, I would just stare at people talking around me, and to me they seemed like wind-up puppets because we just came from the opposite extreme. We learned the big lesson that about 70% of what we have to say is not too important, especially after we have listened to the thoughts in our minds for three years. We see that there is no urgent need to express them all. Being in 3-year retreat is a very good thing because we have a long time to not complete all of our bad karmic thoughts. It is only when we express those afflicted thoughts through our body, speech and mind that the karma becomes totally complete.  

I really try to stay silent for half or more of the day when I am not teaching, traveling or visiting with others. And I have to tell you that this was a big struggle for me. It helped me to be mindful of other people’s boundaries because I had such a hard time with people not wanting to accommodate my request to keep silent for long periods of time. Those projections were not so nice. But hopefully, I have planted enough good seeds to help me when I get out of my next retreat. What made this a big lesson was that I had no idea that I was not good at respecting the boundaries of others. It could be a challenge to integrate into the bigger mandala and keep the magic.

The Cushion – Patience
I would definitely say that I acquired a lot of patience after my three-year retreat. It has given me a mental cushion or platform where I can calmly watch my projections. Then I can decide what to do when problems arise, whether I need to be wrathful, peaceful or sweet. I actually had time to think of the karmic repercussions of the nature of things before I made a decision. I believe that this is the most important skill that I came out of retreat with. On the other hand, I am not a wimp either. Awareness of self, ego and grasping is another element. Now I often think of myself as being in a relationship with everyone that I meet. I try to walk away with giving more than I have received from them on a daily basis. In other words, my mind is not calculating or focusing on what I can get from someone, or being in the “in-crowd.” I feel that everyone is a precious jewel. I clearly see why the path of enlightenment requires accumulation of merit and purification, and that these two facets are present in any kind of retreat that we do.

As I prepare for my second 3-year retreat, I see how I have grown spiritually since my last retreat. I have decided to take things one day at time. I would like all of us to make it to the end of this journey but only time will tell.

Lama Thubten Pelma is an American Tibetan Buddhist nun who founded the Three Jewels Dharma Center in NYC. For the past 10 years, Lama Pelma has been a student of the masters at Sera Mey Monastery in southern India. To support Lama Pelma's 3-year retreat, please visit www.retreat4peace.org/blogs/lama-pelma.