Question and Answer
October 17, 2010 In each edition, staff writer Irma Gomes answers questions regarding retreat. Please email her with your questions at: irma_gomes@hotmail.com
Q: My spouse doesn’t have a spiritual practice. I don’t know how to explain to him/her the importance of doing retreat. They think that spending time in this way is very selfish. Could you give me any ideas on how to help my family understand?
A: Take comfort in the fact that there are many of us who have been in this situation. The first thing you need to do is to keep a good spiritual practice and live a good ethical life. If your partner starts to notice the positive changes in you and your behavior, he or she will eventually support you. Who doesn’t like to share their life with a happier, kinder person?
Start with short retreats away from home, just a day or a weekend. If you have children, you may consider taking one with you. Look for retreats that have activities for children. Remember your family is your teacher as well.
If you want to do a silent retreat for a week or longer, here is a simple way to reassure your partner. If you have an extra bedroom or space at home, turn it into your retreat sanctuary. You can enjoy a silent dinner with your family and give them the comfort of seeing you at home.
If you do go to another location, ask your partner to drive you to the retreat cabin. Then they can see the place or meet the people who serve it. For long-term retreats, consider asking your partner to refresh your food supply throughout your time away.
You should also decide whether you want to be contacted or not and under what circumstances. You just need to plan together, as a family, as opposed to announcing, “I’m taking ten days off to go on retreat!”
Personally, I love to stay home during the period between Christmas and New Year’s and do retreat while my husband visits family. Look for dates when your partner is doing something of interest to them so they don’t feel abandoned.
Support your partner’s and family’s projects. Maintain an attitude of “I want to help you in your activities.” This way you’ll plant strong karmic seeds to see them supporting your pursuits.
Last, but not least, trust your heart, trust your teacher and the teachings, compassionately explain your reasons and go for it!
Q: I have never done a retreat in my life. What is a recommended schedule?
A: First, please remember that while you’re on retreat it is of the utmost importance to take care of your body and mind. If you feel an imbalance in your physical or mental well-being, make adjustments to your retreat schedule. If you find the weather to be uncomfortably hot, you might prefer practicing early in the morning to avoid meditating during the heat of the day. If waking up early causes you more mental afflictions than benefits, then do your practice in the evening. If you feel sleepy in the afternoon, try going for a walk or exercising. The most important thing is to be happy and enjoy your retreat.
During retreat, you might feel vulnerable and emotional (at least I do). Be mindful of when you consistently feel at your best and do your practice during those times. If you’re feeling too tired or sick, take a break and only do one session that day. Never force a schedule! The causes and conditions that bring you time for a silent retreat are very rare, so make the best of it, which will create the karma for more retreat time in the future.
The following is a sample daily retreat schedule, particularly for those who are not used to sitting in prayer or meditation for long periods of time.
5:00 -7:00 am
If you have taken precepts, review them. Do a practice such as Lama Chopa/prayers for your teachers to bless you and your practice that day, followed by yoga or exercise.
7:00 - 8:30 am
Breakfast
8:30 - 10:30 am
Meditation session
10:30 - 11:00 am
Break
11:00 - 12:00 pm
Lunch (if you have taken precepts you must eat before noon)
12:00 - 3:00 pm
Break
3:00 - 5:00 pm
Meditation session
5:00 - 6:00 pm
Break/dinner
6:00 - 8:30 pm
Meditation session with dedication