Still Cooking: One Taste of Long-term Retreat

Guest Contributor, Kendall Magnussen

In April of 2005, I sent my teacher, Lama Zopa Rinpoche, a list of things I was hoping to do next in my life. For the first time in a long time, “long retreat” was not on the list. I had just started the tantric series at Diamond Mountain with Geshe Michael Roach and was excited to continue.  However, Rinpoche advised that it was best to enter long retreat for three to five years.

I had wanted to do a three-year retreat ever since hearing about it at Kopan monastery in 1987. I had finished most of the traditional nine Gelug preliminaries; some of them more than once, and a number of deity retreats.  All of the conditions came together perfectly. Even though my family wasn’t thrilled, they were supportive. I left my job, ended my relationship of six years and gave away most of my possessions. With excitement and a bit of apprehension, I entered three-year retreat in December 2005.

I had asked a number of teachers and seasoned Dharma friends for advice. What they offered was simple, “Relax.”  Back in 1996, Ribur Rinpoche had said to me, “When you do your long retreat, if you don’t relax, you are going to get very sick.” I had been quite a gonzo Buddhist for the past 25 years.  If enlightenment was something you could “do” your way into, I was well on my way.  It was enlightenment or bust.

“Relax” was like a Zen koan to me in retreat. I had no idea how to “do” relax. I had many practice commitments and cooking, eating and cleaning up took time. Aware of how I needed to purify negativities and accumulate merit – I did prostrations every morning and recited sutras every night. Then there was yoga, Sanskrit and Tibetan. This was the first time in my life where I could do all of the wonderful things I wished I had more time for but didn’t. When did I have time to relax? 

Early on, it became apparent that something was off with this body; my mind was always tired. However, I was not going to let that hold me back. While there was frustration about the fogginess of my mind, which I could not seem to remedy through rest, cleansing, diet, or other remedies, I was still very happy. My dreams were powerful and auspicious.

As time went on, I had dreams that I needed a vacation. I knew I was caught in a misconception about “doing” my way to enlightenment, but I couldn’t stop.

Finally, in the summer of 2007, I made one more dietary adjustment designed to heal the body on a deep level. Within three weeks, it was as if I had a nervous breakdown. I lost all muscle strength and the neurotransmitters in my brain went haywire, creating a buzzing sensation in my brain so strong that it was impossible to meditate. I lost memory and cognitive abilities and would get weepy and emotional for no reason. It was a healing crisis the likes of which I had never seen or heard of. I was crashing hard.

For three months in isolation, I battled weakness, emotionality, and brain buzz. The body felt like a truck had hit it. The mind felt as though I hadn’t slept for weeks. It was the Twilight Zone. I kept thinking it would pass. It didn’t. Finally, Rinpoche told me to leave retreat and stay with my mother until I recovered. I thought I just had bad lung (wind) and would be back in a few months. It was September 2007.

After much rest, reflection, and a few doctors later, I understand a little about the perfect storm that brought things crashing down: body, mind, lung, hormones, viruses, and the karma for some fantastic purification. While I had hoped for esoteric transformation into a light body, I have been forced to accept the limitations of my human form.  While there are things I need to “do” for enlightenment, it’s now clear that it is the “being” that must be cultivated. While it may be urgent to use life well, I need to be patient with the process. Now, the time has come to put that into practice. “Relax” is still my koan, even though I have not done much in over two years.

I felt that I knew a lot about the Dharma before entering into long retreat. These days, it is apparent that I know very little and have realized even less. I have needed to relax the self-imposed pressure to become enlightened in this life. I busted! Still, I have no regrets.

There are no final conclusions. I am still waiting for the body and mind to return to fully operational. I prayed for realization and transformation; something to be able to be of greater benefit to others. In many ways, I am still in retreat, disoriented and still cooking.  If you are thinking about doing long retreat, go for it! Just know that deep transformation can come in the most unexpected ways.

Kendall Magnussen has been a Tibetan Buddhist practitioner for 25 years with extensive study, pilgrimage and retreat experience in Nepal, India and Tibet. She has spent a cumulative four-plus years in solitary retreat. She works for the Foundation for the Preservation of the Mahayana Tradition (FPMT). Currently, she is working on “Living in the Path,” an online learning program based on the teachings of her main teacher, Lama Zopa Rinpoche.